Since my diagnosis, a few friends, some extended family members, and random acquaintances have said some downright peculiar things to me. They range from the bizarrely sympathetic: "I couldn't bring myself to call you, but I cried like a baby when I found out you were sick," a family friend told me. I actually felt bad for upsetting her. To the straight-up indifferent: "We're all going to die," wrote one guy in response to my first post. Uh, thanks, I guess.

Although slightly inelegant, shall we say, such comments are really just people's way of showing they care. And while I appreciate the effort, it's clear that it's time for a cancer etiquette intervention.

Consider this list of dos and don'ts as a crash course to navigating your next cancer survivor encounter. Only the basics are covered here. Of course, there are some gray areas (is it okay to be mean to a crabby cancer patient?), mitigating circumstances (should you tell a friend that her drawn-on eyebrows aren't in the right shade or shape?), and times when you just have to make fun of people, cancer or not. In those cases, my advice is do what you have to do. This is simply a primer, a blueprint to ensure that you stay within the bounds of appropriateness. It's not hard. When in doubt, remember flattery is always your ace.